MUG CON 2002
by Gethsemane
Summary: Rating may go up. Response to WIKKT's Potion Master Bachelor Auction Challenge


MUG·CON 2002

**Author: Gethsemane**   
**Rating: Ah, I don't know. PG, PG-13...**   
**Disclaimer: I had it first. She stole it from me. Well, no, not really. I have nothing. I have no money, nor will I make any from this. I don't know why I named it 2002. Everyone has been graduated for about 7 years. That would put Hermione at 25, my Severus is about 42. This is an answer to the Potion Master Bachelor Auction.**   
  
  


Hermione sat at her computer typing out her latest findings. She found that she could compose better while typing. She had always done her summer homework on the computer and copied it over onto scrolls. After she got out of school, she simply found a program to turn her handwriting into a font and transfigured her papers into scroll parchment. She was getting her thoughts organized before writing an article for the BMMJ (British Magical Medical Journal). Suddenly there was a large SPLAT, and she looked over to see an owl sliding down the sliding glass door in the kitchen. 

"Oh, dear!" Hermione gasped and ran to the door. She slid it open to find the poor bird lying there with its feet up in the air. 

"Oh my god," whispered Hermione, wondering what the penalty for killing a post owl was. She nudged the large reddish-brown bird with her foot and proceeded to jump a mile high when the bird gave a loud hoot and sprang up with a mischievous glint in his eye, healthy as ever. 

"Oh, Puck, you prat! I should have known it was you. You are just like your masters. You'll be lucky if you even get a mouldy crust of bread from me after that stunt." The Weasley twins' owl gave an apologetic hoot and tried its best to appear sheepish. Hermione only laughed and took the scroll from his foot. She gave him a plate of left-overs and bowl of water before sitting down to read what George and Fred had to say. 

Dear Hermio,   
Hey! Wazzup? Dad is organizing a convention for Muggle fans...The first annual MUG·CON! We are in charge of events and thought you might consider doing a panel on integrating Muggle Science into potions and medicine (SINCE IT IS YOUR SPECIALITY). You will get a free con badge (GOOD FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND), a free ticket to the Friday night banquet and fundraiser (YOU ARE GOING TO ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE FUNDRAISER!!!), and a discount on the room. It will be at the London Sheraton beginning on 15 November and will last until 4pm Sunday. We have space on Friday if you can do it. Let us know. The con is totally mugglefied (IT SHOULD BE A HOOT!)   
Love,   
Fred & GEORGE 

Hermione cringed at their ridiculous nickname for her, but there just wasn't any winning when dealing with them. She smiled as she read the rest of the letter. Arthur had always been a fan of all things Muggle; she was glad he had the opportunity to organize something like this. She wrote a quick note telling them she would love to do a panel and that any time after 4 on Friday would be fine. She wondered what a wizarding con would be like. When she had visited her second cousin in America one summer she had been dragged to a comic book convention. It was really strange, but fun. She could only imagine what a magical convention would be like. She also wondered about the fundraiser. Why would she love it, as George seemed to think. 

*** 

"Hermione!!!" Ginny Weasley ran to her friend pulling Harry along as though they were connected to each other by some invisible silk cord. Ron was not far behind. 

"Hey, guys. Did you just arrive as well?" Hermione asked. 

"Ron and Harry have. I've been here since yesterday. I'm in charge of the hospitality suite." Ginny smiled. "I've taken a break. As soon as the guys get checked in we're going to play the fruit machines in the bar. Neville won 25...um, pounds is it? Whatever it was, the goblins in the dealer's room changed it for 15 galleons!" 

"Oh, okay. Let me get my room key and my pass first." The crowd moved to registration. Hermione had to sign an acknowledgement of the rules, which included no magic outside the panel rooms and no taunting the Muggles, hotel staff or otherwise. She was then given a guest badge and a program book. 

After everyone was registered, they moved to the bar. The boys took to the machines as Ginny and Hermione went to get drinks. After a small wait for machines to free up, Hermione found herself at the mercy of the spinning fruit. She had never gambled before and told herself that she would let a tenner go, but no more. She and Ginny talked while they played. Ginny was excited about the fundraiser, but told Hermione that she'd promised the twins not to let the secret slip. She also went on and on about the dealers room. They had Muggle items of all sorts. Ron was excited about the electrical items that were charmed to work by magic. Hermione rolled her eyes, imagining the dealers room to look like a large department store. She looked up to see that a third star had landed in a her neat little row. Suddenly a loud whistle blew and a light on the top of her machine started flashing. 

"Congratulations!" yelled the barman, "You've won the starlight jackpot, you have!" 

"Oh my god, Hermione, you jemmy witch!" yelled Harry, "You just won 500 quid!" 

"Wow," Hermione said, at a slight loss for words. The barman had sent for the concierge, who came and paid Hermione her winnings. 

"Oh, I have to get back to hospitality. You should go change that in the dealers room for the au---um, fundraiser. You might see something you fancy. I'll be at the banquet and Mum will take over for me at 11, so we can check out the party floor!" 

"Okay Ginny, I have to give my panel in an hour, so I might go do that first. See you... Ron, Harry, are you coming to my panel?" They looked a bit sheepish, but Harry nodded. 

"We will if you want us too," he said cheerfully. 

"But?" sighed Hermione. 

"The gaming room is starting a Quidditch card game tournament in 15 minutes..." Ron said, his ears were beginning to turn a bit red. 

"Oh go on, you two," Hermione laughed, "the object of this weekend is to have fun right?" 

"You won't be mad?" Harry asked. She shook her head and the two took off. Hermione shook her head again. Those two would never grow up. She left the bar and went looking for the dealers room. 

The dealers room was full of, just as Hermione had feared, lots and lots on Muggle junk, clothes, and a rather large section of fantasy con memorabilia (£ Only Please!!). Hermione saw the goblin booth over in the corner and made her way over that way, groaning as she passed a used car salesman. 

"What's so great about a New Car!?" he barked, "when you could have a classic Ford Prefect or Anglia?" 

Hermione changed in her money, which came out to 350 galleons, and browsed around the room. All the fantasy stuff was sold by Muggles. 

"Yah, this is all so freaky! But we sell at all the cons, so here we are...and we didn't even have to pay for a table!" Said a girl with a brilliant green mohawk and a chain hanging from the stud in her nose to the stud in her ear. 

"Yeah," said the one armed man with the ponytail in the next booth, "And they are going to give us a free 'Obliviate' on Sunday. This is just too cool..." Hermione suppressed her grin and went to find panel room C. 

"Ah, Miss Granger, pleasure to see you here," said a familiar voice from behind Hermione. She turned to greet Professor Dumbledore, but found herself at a loss for words. Standing before her was, in fact, Dumbledore, but he looked for all the world like Jerry Garcia. His grand robes had been replaced by scrungy bell bottoms, a t-shirt, and a funky vest. He was wearing sandals and his spectacles were charmed an alarming pink. He was offering her a lemon sherbet, well, she hoped it was a lemon sherbet, which she took, trying to shake herself out of the shock she was in. 

"Oh, Hermione! I haven't seen you since graduation!" Hermione tore her eyes away from Dumbledore, only to see Professor McGonnagal dressed much the same way; she, however, was a rather good impersonator of Cher. 

'NO!' Hermione shouted in her mind, 'This just isn't right!' 

"Um, hello Headmaster...Professor. Might I say you both look...charming," she finished lamely. 

"Yes, yes. Just going with the flow. We hope to win the costume contest tomorrow, you know." Dumbledore said with a grin. 

"Are there many other professors here?" Hermione asked. 

"I think Remus is around here, with Sirius, no doubt. Other than Severus, it is just us." Minerva said.   
Hermione choked on the sherbet. Snape was here? A Slytherin at a Muggle Fan con? She said as much to the Headmaster. 

"Oh, Severus is doing a panel on famous Muggle alchemists and self-titled 'sorcerers'. You know, some of them got pretty close, for being muggles and all. He is rather fond of a lot of the muggle artists, musicians, and writers, as well." 

"Oh, that sounds fascinating!" Hermione said and then gasped, "Oh goodness! My own panel starts in five minutes? Do you know where panel room C is?" 

"We're on our way there, now," Dumbledore smiled. 

*** 

Hermione's panel went surprisingly well, and she found that it was almost time for the opening ceremonies. As she entered the banquet hall she saw Ginny and the guys waving frantically. She went and joined them. A waiter took their drink order, and in a few minutes, Lee Jordan took the stage. 

"Hello and Welcome to the first annual Mug·Con! The purpose of opening ceremony is to welcome and aquaint you with the con. Your program books will also be of assistance to you in this, as they contain a schedule of events and bios on our special guests. We've been going strong since noon. I hope you've enjoyed the panels and events. First off, I would like to welcome all of our guests. First we have Nigel Pint, who is an employee of the Elmore Plug Factory!" Hermione grinned as Arthur jumped up and applauded loudly. Nigel stood up and cleared his throat. 

"Um, I test all the plugs to make sure the fit into the wall securely, before they get shipped out to be attached to appliances." Arthur clapped even harder and whistled. Nigel hesitated, then went and sat back down. 

"Well, well, well. Thank you, Mr. Pint. Next we have John Rainer of Scotland Yard!" John stood up and told everyone about how he'd helped on various Death Eater cases before the fall of Voldemort. Everyone applauded. 

"Our artist guest of honour is Charles Christian, from America! His paintings don't move, but they sure are cool. He paints with fire! He'll be giving a demonstration in the dealers room at noon tomorrow. His work is also on display there, so give him a look." Charles got up and took a bow before thanking everyone for having him. 

"Our writer guest of honour is Neil Gaiman! Famous for his work on the 'Books of Magic' and 'Sandman' comic series. He will be giving readings Saturday at 4pm and Sunday at 11 am. He will be signing books in the dealers room!" Neil got up and thanked everyone for having him as well. 

"And finally, our celebrity guest of honour, Richard O'Brien, who will be leading us in a viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight at midnight in this very room, as well as performing live music for the Saturday night ball!" Hermione whistled as Richard got up and waved to the crowd. She loved the Rocky Horror Picture Show, having been dragged to a midnight showing when she was 16 by her muggle friends. 

"Let's have another round for all of our great guests!" Lee yelled. "Great, great. Now, I've been told to remind you that the hospitality suite is room 204. It is open 24 hours, so you can go nosh and drink when you need to. The gaming room is also 24 hours. All the best gaming will be available folks. Classic and New Dungeons and Dragons, Mage Knight, and Magic the Gathering, as well as the new Quidditch collectible card game will be run all weekend. There will also be live action Mage: The Ascension and Hunter: The Reckoning. See how Muggles play magic!" Harry and Ron whistled and declared that would be where they would spend the rest of the con. 

"Gaming is next to hospitality, so don't forget to check it out. Video rooms are on the 6th floor. You can go and watch muggle movies and tv shows. We have a Godzilla room, a Star Trek room, an X-files room, and a Lord of the Rings room, so far. Keep checking the walls and elevators for flyers with room numbers and schedules. Don't forget to go to the cartoon room tomorrow for old Saturday morning cartoons and cold cereal! The party room is on floor 7. The parties start at 10 and end whenever. If you want to throw a room party, please make sure your room is on the seventh floor. Visit the Retro-room hosted by Albus Dumbledore! Please keep all alcohol on floors 6 and 7 and in here. Don't forget to check out Strip Twister in room 777!" The crowd 'ooohed' at this. 

"Finally, the banquet and fundraiser will be held in here in 30 minutes. There is a 15 galleon fee to be admitted to the banquet, but believe me it is worth it. After dinner, we have the pleasure of hosting the First Annual Potion Master Bachelor Auction!" The crowd went wild. Hermione looked at Ginny, who sat there laughing. "Our bachelors include Freidenberg of Zuftlot, Xi Shang from The Mystical Magical Palace, Harry Anderson of America and our own Severus Snape from Hogwarts! Bring your knuts, sickles and galleons ladies and gents because I can promise you, this will be an experience! And remember it is for charity...St. Mungo's Children's Ward, to be exact." 

The crowd roared some more. It seemed that most planned on staying for the even. Hermione was lost in thought. How had they managed to talk Snape into this?! Hmm, she'd just won 350 galleons and had nothing planned for it, and she'd had a crush on him since the class trip in her final year. This could be fun... 

After dinner, Lee Jordan once more took the stage. 

"Well folks, Ludo Bagman was supposed to be the emcee tonight, but it seems he's come down with a rather nasty case of alcohol...I mean food poisoning. We wish him a speedy recovery, and it looks like yours truly will have the honour of getting this fundraiser rolling. Let's bring out the first piece of meat then, shall we? Here he is: Freidenberg of Zuftlot!" The crowd went wild as the wizard came in and swished around stage. As he began making a potion, Lee continued to talk. "This fine fellow here has invented the Command Animal potion that is so popular with CoMC profs right now and is working on a more potent version to be used by dragon handlers! A question from the audience? Anyone?" 

A purple-haired witch in the front row called out, "How much would it cost to take you home _after_ the convention?" 

"Your immortal soul." The man replied and downed his potion, which allowed him to levitate and fly out over the audience. 

"Alright then, let's start the bidding at 20 galleons!" Lee called. The bidding went fast and Freidenburg finally went for 125 galleons. The next two bachelors came from France and Italy. The both went for 190 galleons each, one to Lavender Brown, the other to Parvati Patil. Xi Shang came out and made an elaborate love potion, which he then infused into a beautifully crafted sushi roll called the "Horned Dragon". He went for 300 galleons. Harry Anderson, who slightly reminded Hermione of Lupin, put on a hilarious comic routine which ended with a cauldron seemingly blowing up in his face, yet turning into a swarm of glowing butterflies. He brought in a not to shabby 250 galleons. 

Finally Snape glided onto the stage. He sneered at Lee and began working on his potion. 

"Here we have my old potion master, Severus Snape! Any questions for our dear old prof?" 

"Boxers or Briefs?" yelled a witch that looked remarkably like Sybil Tralawney. 

"Why don't you take a poll?" Snape spat as he continued to work. 

"Okay, let's!" cried Lee. 

"No, no," Snape said, "I'd rather not hear what this crowd says on the matter. The answer is, neither..." Half the crowd swooned, "I wear a hybrid of the two, longer than briefs, but more snug than boxers." 

"Anyhow, then. Professor Snape is known for perfecting the Wolfsbane potion used to treat werewolves, his research on curing the long term effects of the Imperious and Crutiatus curses, and...woah, here's one for the ladies, the Screaming G potion." 

"Oh my god! I wonder why the hell that wasn't on the final!" Ginny screamed. 

"100 galleons!" screamed a witch sitting somewhere behind Hermione, and with that, the bidding started. 

"150!" yelled Hermione, getting looks from her mates. The war went on until Hermione finally bid her last galleon. 

"375!" came a bid from across the room. 

"Damn, " Hermione grumbled, "I'm tapped." 

"I have 150 galleon to donate to your cause, go for broke!" cried Ginny, getting a disgruntled look from Ron. 

"500!" yelled Hermione. 

"500! Any others? Once...twice....gone!" Lee yelled. Hermione was still stunned as Ginny pushed her to the front of the room. 

"Well, Miss Granger. I suppose I am at your whim. What shall it be first? Shall I show you how to make..." 

"We've got plenty of time to go over potion recipes tomorrow. What I want to know is if you are a virgin." Hermione said. 

"W..what?!" Snape stuttered. 

"A Rocky Horror virgin, have you seen the film?" Hermione laughed. 

"Oh. No, I have not." 

"Well, that's first on the agenda. After that, I think that Strip Twister sounds absolutely fascinating..." 

"Wonderful." sighed Snape, following her out of the hall.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
